she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot
what do you mean I googled how to give an awesome blow job?
ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
she made a facebook for her toddler.. his likes include lil wayne and ice luge. He has more friends than i do. I mean, Seriously? there's not enough booze in the world to make thanksgiveing bearable
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
his version of basketball was throwing hot sauce packets down my cleavage at taco bell at 2 am with his buddy.the cashier kept score
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
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