the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
She had caution tape on her head and she blew me.
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
Like he was cock blocking and it usually takes ten cocks to block this cock
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
Randomize
