just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
Her mom walked into the garage as we were smoking a kush blunt with sombreros on.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
PLEASE HELP ME THE AMERICANS ARE YELLING ABOUT TURKEY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
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