I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
Actually we have similar relationship styles aka no relationship... it could work
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
when i was on the highway she passed out and knocked my transmission into nuetral with her forehead...that was an experience
we started drinking at 4pm, somehows its 1 am im in bathing suit running from the cops.....any explanation of what happened?
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
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