Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
then she woke up from sleeping for an hour and the first thing she said was "i regret it already"
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
You want to move to a city because of their promotional beer pricing
So?
This is why you shouldn't make decisions
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
I hate being the only medical professional in the group. I always end up patching you guys or being the DD when I'm on call. I have problems I need to drown in booze too...
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
I noticed while having sex on Friday that I have great endurance. CrossFit works.
i sent him a nude and he responded 6 hours later
what did he say?
"oh m god,,, whow '!!!!nm"
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
I am high. And my mom surpised me today. Now i am high and with my mom....bad idea
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
Randomize
