The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
Let's just say he looked at my vagina like it was a rubics cube.
i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
I can honestly say I've never had orange soda poured on my vagina before, that's a story for the grand kids
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
but, alas, I am not the lady in the streets. I'm simply the freak in the sheets.
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
Randomize
