My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
He stumbled out of the bar bathroom at 3:30 am with his jeans unzipped and his dick hanging out - it was the physical manifestation of "blackout with your cock out"
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
Is it completely inappropriate to base my morning after pill purchase on if they sell coffee or not?
I have his gate key so know he has to see me again.
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
I watched one of the videos of you hanging from the rafters, and it is both violent and sexual in nature.
Randomize
