Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
I got my nipple pierced! I love it so much!
Well, there goes breastfeeding.
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
So his shoes are still here. And there are three contacts in a case. And a shirt on the bed. I've checked my dorm and he's not here. I'm so confused.
I couldn't stop laughing at the fact he was cutting lines with a sears card. What 24 year old has a sears card?
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
So you don't take a regular pic with her, but you take a selfie with her ass. Interesting...
It's not even noon and I've had 3 people call me a savage, one of them said it in reference to the blow job I gave them. So I guess you could say it's going to be a good weekend
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
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