Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
I just want to meet a nice normal guy that doesn't want me to taze him while we have sex. . . . .is that too much to ask for?
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
Woke up with a glow stick in my boobs this morning. Must've dominated Sunday.
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