I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
Whats a good hint for stop bitching im gonna give you head
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
BTW he text me to text him later after the concert to hang out. Im prepping my bed but I should know I shouldn't count my dicks before they hatch
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
That makes sense.. A good Bj is a trump card in any argument
Randomize
