did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
get to allyx's house asap
Ok is everything ok
Yeah, theres just lesbians
omg yes on my way
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
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