just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
apologized to him about 10 times for being drunk. told him about 15 times that he was "really pretty"
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
I almost itched my nose with the lit end of a cigarette. Help.
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
While we were having sex he asked me if I wanted to get wingstop after. I think I found my future husband.
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
Randomize
