the the hell do you 'accidentaily" jizz on a shirt thats folded in a drawer?
So just talked to them hahah i like that people sat there and watched as you two made out... They said they even had to refill their beers
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
Just invented new drinking game watching Hocus Pocus... everytime they say "virgin" wetake a shot and yell out "to j****"
I mean we're not committed. He's my first choice, sort of like miller lite. When I'm at the bar I'm going to order one, but if they don't maybe I'll go for a bud or blue moon. I'm certainly not going to stop drinking
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
the night literally screamed "cock and ball torture"
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
Randomize
