Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
Let's just say he sent me a picture of his dick and I was more impressed with the collection of video games he had in the background...
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
I have already put on my inside pants.
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
Randomize
