I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
My blowjobs put them in a state of relaxation similar to that of getting hit with a tranquilizer. The fear comes after the sex.
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
I'm glad we smoked together,that was probs the biggest sibling bonding we will ever have.
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