I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
I wish i could tell a story about guys I know without the phrase "and then I blew him." coming up.
it went kinda like vodka, childhood memories, screaming/cursing, fist fight, tears, broken shit, passing out. in that order. tis the season.
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
I have located the smell of the stripper and narrowed it down to 3 girls in class
He added me on Facebook. I'm pretty sure he got my name from the inside of the bra I had lost in the frat house.
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
She looked at my cock with a kind of resigned disappointment.
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
ANIME MEN ARE MAKING ME QUESTION MY SEXUALITY AGAIN
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize
