True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
I just saw a guy wearing a tuxedo shirt under his overalls. That is true iowa class right there
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
the night ended with taco bell and tears
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
We left the knife in your bed.
I DESERVE A BEADED TATTOOED MAN I'VE WANTED ONE FOR SO LONG
BEARDED TATTOOED MEN ARE PEOPLE AND NOT THINGS TO BE GIVEN FREELY
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
for once I'd like a one night stand where I don't meet the guys mom or wife in the morning
She said I can't embarrass her, the challenge has been set
when i was on the highway she passed out and knocked my transmission into nuetral with her forehead...that was an experience
hey sweets how's ur crotch today?
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