The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
Not too sure about the toy story pull ups. The kids point to their crotch all day and say woody.
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
I knew shit got real when the pinapple was gone and people were just passing around the core and gnawing on it.
I mean its not the first time I passed out drunk at barnes and noble.
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
Trust me. I don't get home before 5am. I know what Immmm doing. BTW bail money is in my closet. PEACE
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
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