Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
remember that night we drank a bottle of vodka and went to mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu, twice?
we can't do that now- first b/c they got rid of that menu and 2 b/c we are broke now. damn this recession.
and thats how i got kicked in the balls by micky mouse
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
So high I started thinking my desktop picture of a cat was too erotic for the workplace.
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
She's like the Jonah Hill of sorority sisters.
Is it wrong that I get drunk and let him eat me out then fall asleep? He offers me so much and yet I do nothing. I feel like a republican.
Drunk you decided to patrol campus as the Arrow and tell random bystanders "YOU HAVE FAILED THIS CAMPUS." Campus P.D. did not join your crusade.
That explains the nerd bow & arrow...
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
Randomize
