omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
You almost make it sound as if getting an education to further your career is more important than beer and tacos.
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
wrestling a boy for fruit? sounds suspiciously like foreplay...
5 minutes Isn't even long enough to bring me even close to an orgasm. How selfish. Think about baseball and fuck me you idiot.
you're hired as official boob wrangler
I HAVE TOO MICH DICK TALKING TO ME IDK WHAT TO DO.
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
Randomize
