wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
And your hair- I'd make sure to pee on it first.
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
Randomize
