I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
Randomize
