rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
this is you don't wonder off at 3 am with no pants on. Just stay there and pray to god you don't get arrested for being on school property.
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
someone is getting fuckign RAWDOGGED on this campus as we speak and it makes me FURIOUS
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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