The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
We found her hiding in the bath tub.. And when i opened the curtain she replied "thank you" and walked out like nothing happened.
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
I got off F O U R times, just because he wanted to hear me moan. He is my hero.
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
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