DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
i wish my penis had a tongue
Just pooped at the strip club. NOT NORMAL . I may be a little too comfortable here.
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
Wait is this black Chris #1, cocaine Chris, or gay Chris?
No this is saxophone Chris
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
I don't think you should say "suck my dick" and then proclaim to be a messiah, of any sort.
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
I know this shouldnt be a problem, but there are too many women hitting on me. I dont know what to do
I mean, I was going to use them for a beading project, but I guess I could take one and let you bat my dick around like a cat toy.
I want to find him again. His Corona tank top and I were made for each other.
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
Randomize
