I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
How is someone going to pee on the floor two days in a row? Fuck this place.
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
I asked him if we could have sex sometime and he sent me a three page long text about his feelings for me. that's the only possible situation I've ever run into where a "k" response would have been more appropriate.
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
Randomize
