I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
I kinda look like a classier blonde kenny powers.
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
There comes a time in every girls life when she must use her boobs for good instead of evil.
Your pregnant arnt you
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
its a recording of you guys having sex?!
its actually 30 minutes of him begging and then 2 minutes of sex.
Randomize
