nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
she has a fucking refrigerator full of four loko and is charging 15 dollars a can.... she is like a mini donald trump
Doctorate. Vaginahole. Cinnamon. Rainbow. Fill in the blanks in the morning.
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
Wow! It's so great to hear from you! We all thought you perished in Winepocalypse 2012, man.
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
I cannot pick him out of a line up. I remember he is blonde and his half flaccid dick looks like gonzo. So unless he pulls down his pants I don't know who he is
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
