We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
It smells like ranch
Must be all the white people
organizing the empties. That sober.
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
While looking for socks, I found my mothers sex toy box. Dear god I finally understand where my kinkiness comes from.
Thank god I didn't get free from the hospital restraints. I wouldent have lasted long drunk, startled and in an ass-less gown In D.C.
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
She's just a lonely cunt and i hope she stays that way for the rest of her fucking life.
This seems like an over reaction to someone eating your fries.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
Randomize
