i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
Next year we will be 30 and no more shots during the week.
I think they called the cops after 15 minutes of you shaking their clothes line like the ultimate warrior and calling out hulk hogan
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
His penis looked like how I would imagine Satan's pinky finger.
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
I'm gonna have to kick a girl scouts ass...
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
I can't believe there are people our age getting engaged and I can't even find a solid coke dealer.
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
beggars cant be choosers....im desperate and he has a dick. he checks all the boxes.
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
Randomize
