It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
I'm just sayin' man be careful, that chick has castration written all over her.
All inclusive resorts are actually just places that livers go to die.
that bad?
u-n-l-i-m-i-t-e-d. f-r-e-e. t-e-q-u-i-l-a.
IDK. when she left she was wearing her bra like an eyepatch and offering to shiver the timbers of the dorm patrol.
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
Last night I woke up and the national rep of his frat was sucking my toe.
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
its 11:20. i'm drunk in class flying paper airplanes for my final. what the fuck is my college experience right now?
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize
