Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
:( I miss blowjobs.
This is probably the strangest conversational segue we've ever had.
Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
Is it okay that we fucked on my car hood, in his driveway, at 4 am with cars passing by ?
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
Randomize
