I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
if we break up, who will get the dealer?
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
Some kid just walked into class with his schedlue written on a keystone box.
her boyfriend dumped her for my exgirlfriend. so filming our hookup is pretty much a definite.
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
I found it. now I'm going to the gym to be "healthy" or whatever that folklore is called.
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
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