He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
I don't drink during the week.... well, except for Bailey's Tuesdays, which I have to start implementing further.
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
Quick question: how long can sperm live in a rug?
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
So I've gone into the break room to heat up a styrofoam cup 8 times over the course of 4 hours.. that desperate to see him. Now I have a broken heart AND cancer.
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
Its been 4 years since I have masturbated this hard. God bless the Olympics!
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
Just sold my panties for 40 bucks to some rando dude at the gay bar. I think I found a way to fund next years spring break trip. Hello cancun!
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