I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
she's like bobby knight all she does is scream and point
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
How do I discreetly dispose of sex toy packaging that is recyclable? What to do...what to do?
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
I didn't know. I guess I really haven't had that much time for drinking lately. I mean, outside drinking at home/work.
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
On a scale of one to 10 how Risky is it to sleep with a married man (all morals set aside)
Randomize
