Blackberries need to come with a feature that disables texting to certain numbers after 2am based on content. liek disabling texting to 'dad' containng the words 'lets try to find more blow.'
he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
my mom and grandma just had a splits competition. slut runs in the family
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
True. So did you hook up with pasta or the ultimate warrior
Little bit of both
I guess I was blacked out I hopped a fence and hugged a cow that night.
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
He ate me out while I stood on his bed drinking a Rainier.
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
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