did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
i wish you could fill a pinata with booze
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
Its been 4 years since I have masturbated this hard. God bless the Olympics!
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
For a second I thought that you were becoming a decent person again. I am glad I was wrong.
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
Randomize
