Just saw a commercial bout this girl that lost 54 lbs on a taco bell diet. so thats my excuse.
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
I feel like you pissing on my ping pong table isn't something to be proud of.
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Randomize
