Fair warning.. porn on your laptop when you turn it on.. seemed like a wonderful idea last night.. until it died
I really need to stop carrying a flask around with me in my backpack at school..
Aren't you in 8th grade?
9th, but that's not the point.
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
he said i balance and complete him. i feel sick
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
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