On a scale of affliction to ed hardy, how douchy is in there right now?
Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
i hope youre ready for a shit show because we just ordered a whole pitcher of red headed sluts
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
Is it completely inappropriate to base my morning after pill purchase on if they sell coffee or not?
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
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