My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
Well then. It seems like we have a Mexican standoff of genitals
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
Those brownies did us in. I honestly blacked out completely.
What brownies? Ohmygod.
Randomize
