to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
Family of uber douches all wearing ed hardy in a hummer taking up 2 parking spots at starbucks. Please be more cliche
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
Wackin it to the USA womens soccer team. My own personal way of saying job well done.
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
What is she getting? Last time we talked her behavior was conducive to getting a tramp stamp on her face.
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
It's not even a normal fucking affair I've found myself in. It's a fucking bdsm clusterfuck.
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
Randomize
