An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
I saw the video from Saturday. So, how much did I drink for me to think I was a duck and strip my clothes?
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
Well the "Blackout with your sack out" party turned out predictably.
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
I just found out that order of 30 Beefy 5-Layers last weekend has achieved legendary status among the Taco Bell employees. Is there a Stoner Achievement for that?
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
The laundromat is nothing like In the pornos
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
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