I just found all of my Mary-Kate and Ashley movies. Can you say drinking game?
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
Someone in my history class just FB messaged me saying they highly suggest I put my sunglasses on. He is sitting 18 rows in front of me...
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
I think we can all agree that the size of her boobs, combined with beer, is destroying my ability to judge looks.
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
I know right, I would blow him just for the satisfaction he would taste like vodka
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