He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
fine. I googled it. you have to eat 5 to die so apparently I'm in the clear.
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
I heard you shushing me, but my screaming orgasm drowned it out.
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
I think if I send him enough nudes, he will buy my plane ticket.
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
Woke up on my sisters couch, and it was like the start of a Terminator movie,my brother in law was passed out on the floor naked in the fetal position. We now call him Arnold. It was an epic night.
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
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