that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
guys are only as good as the porn they watch
She washed her feet in the sink at white castle. I want this girl in my life.
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
First sex of the summer I'm winning 1-0
GET HOME NOW
Oh shit
He was on my bed looking at me like a sacrifice to the gods of gay sex and he's definitely a bottom. Like Jesus Christ a really, really great ass of a bottom.
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
Randomize
