do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
Oh and Dustin informs me I'm a legend amongst the freshman, if you were wondering about my street cred
It's only just- an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth, a nude for a nude
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
Randomize
