More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
whats wrong with me. i have a coffee mug of wine in the library and i'm doing homework
i feel like a lion cub that has been breast fed for years, and mom has left, and now i have to learn how to hunt on my own
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
The cops walked in to class and arrested 2 guys for possession.
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
I vaguely remember us chasing shots by licking each other's faces last night. Our friendship has reached another level completely.
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
I am passing the whore torch on to you my friend. Do me proud
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
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