Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
our school mascot just walked into class and threw condoms everywhere. welcome to college
got a scholarship and a hot psych teacher. hello spring 2010
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
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