i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
we should become lesbians. not together. just in general.
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
my liver is dry heaving
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
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