my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
Oh well. haha. i couldn't really understand what she was saying. i just nodded a lot. i guesss she found that sexy.
gotta love spring break
gotta love slutty girls from the south
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
hypothetically speaking is slutty or smart to buy plan b before we go on spring break so i dont have to get it in mexico
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
Urgent. Do not ignore. What does this "=$" shit mean. Quality foreign dick is at stake here
I've finally given up enough on finals week to wear the same shirt three days in a row, because I didn't take my hoodie off for the first two.
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
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