You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
Idk. Im in a bed. the walls are wood. There's a deer mount.. im afraid to turn over and see who's next to me but he's violently cuddly.
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
Sometimes intelligent conversation doesn't mix well with a romantic interest. It's possible the two are best kept separate. Toys should just stay in the toy box.
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
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