Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
well he has a gf so if he picks me up tonight i'll only him finger me
Wouldn't be the first time..I think there's a subliminal message constantly playing in my mind that says 'blackout', 'throwing up is fun' 'too sober'
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
I'm at the point in my life where I'm trying to get guys I've fucked to give a ride to guys I'm going to fuck.
If it carries over into the weekend I would be glad to nurse your vagina back to health.
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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